Sorry For Everything I've Done
by AsukaLangleySorrow
Summary: Keith wakes up in prison cell of The Castle of Lions, not remembering a thing from the previous day. The rest of the team contronts him, shook and weary, as Shiro accuses him of something Keith'd never thought he would be able to do. As the memory returns to the prisoner and the guilt overwhelms him, the others start to question themselves: Is Keith the only one who's guilty here?
1. Pain

_The life and property are not what true Galra are fighting for, for the property can be easy lost and easily gained again in the holy war the Galra are fighting at, and the life for the sake of the life itself has no meaning. True Galra value the honour above everything else._

**_The Book of Honour, prologue_**

**Chapter One**

**Pain**

He woke up in a prison cell of the Castle of Lions. For a few seconds the only thing he saw was a dark ceiling, then dark walls came into his vision as well. Dark air surrounded him, crawling into his lungs as he lied on the floor.

And then the pain came. It rushed through him as the ocean waves, burning every cell, moving from the head to his toes, making him grit his teeth until his jaws hurt, forcing him to clench his fists so hard he felt nails dig into the flesh. He didn't scream, because what for? If they were attacked, he won't give their captors the pleasure to hear his pain. Keith went through his memories, trying to catch up with the present moment, but he remembered... nothing. Of course, he remembered who he was, what was going on in this cruel Universe, but when it comes to the sequence of events that has brought him here - he had no clue. For a few moments it was only him, the darkness watching him from every corner and the pain. At least, he thought so.

\- He woke up! - Keith heard Lance scream.

The prisoner's eyes widened in shock. He hasn't expected to hear his teammate's voice. Keith painfully scrambled to his feet, sat on the floor and stared at the direction where the voice came from.

The fourth wall of the cell was made of glass, but Keith couldn't see it earlier, because the room on the opposite was almost as dark as the cell. In the dim light of altean-greenish blue bulbs he managed to see two figures standing in front of him behind the glass. One of the figures was Lance, in the other one Keith recognised Shiro standing with arms crossed on his chest. The violet-eyed boy's heart sank. What had gone wrong?

\- Lance, stop screaming. The loud noises can have a negative effect on his mentality... and sanity, - Pidge spoke up, and Keith's glare moved to the three people sitting on the floor. The sound of the girl's voice put Keith in terror. She seemed completely exhausted by saying such a short sentence. At the end of it she started to cough, so Allura had to soothe her down rubbing her back gently and sofly muttering something calming.

Keith's heart bumped widly. Not only the words that Pidge said made him feel sick, but her voice... She sounded... Choked???

\- What's going on? Why am I here? What happened? - Keith struggled for answers, but at first only dead silence served as a response. Then Hunk's soft voice came over:

\- You don't remember anything?

\- No...

Now it was Shiro's turn to speak:

\- You've turned into a Galra and attacked us all.


	2. A Cause

The Galra cannot swallow their pride or take any offenses and bury them deep inside their hearts. Every offense or tarnishment may only be washed off with the blood of the offender spilled in a fair fight.

**_The Book of Honour, chapter 1_**

**Chapter Two**

**A Cause**

\- Wh-what? - Keith's voice trembled. This couldn't be true! He was already horrified by the mere thought of hurting his friends, but doing this was a hundred times worse.

\- You've heard him, - Lance was back to the conversation again. - You've almost killed everyone on this ship including yourself.

His unusually serious and harsh tone made Keith shrug.

\- I-i don't remember any of it, - Keith murmured. - Shiro, please, tell me what have I done!

His voice broke at the end of the sentence, turning a scream into a cry. The prisoner watched in awe as Allura and Pidge shivered and pulled themselves closer to each other, as if searching for a help, and Hunk went stiff, as if getting ready to shelter anyone who might need it.

Keith looked at his hands. They were strained with blood. The skin was purple, clawed fingernails left bloody marks on his palms. Keith looked at his body. He was wearing his Blade of Marmora armor, but now it could barely been named like that. In some places the material was burned, somewhere it was cut, and through holes and tears he saw one thing again and again: purple skin and blood. Tears started to fall down his cheeks, which was the first time from a long ago. He has always been the one who managed to keep his feelings deep within, but now it was too much.

\- Give me a mirror, - he asked. Shiro gave Allura a questioning look, and she nodded carelessly. After that, the Black Paladin pressed some buttons on the control panel and the glass of the cell darkened, hiding the visitors from Keith's view. The next moment the prisoner was confronted by his own reflection in the mirror. But Keith could barely recognize himself in the creature in front of him.

His normally pale skin was now a shade of lavender purple, two stripes of even darker skin went from his neck through jawline and cheeks and ended sharply under the cheekbones. Keith's dark hair was in mess, and when he touched the place where his head hurt most, there was more blood on his hand. With his hands shaking, Keith examined his pointed ears with biger than normal earflops pointed as well. Eyes were probably the most terrifying trait of the creature. Yellow sclera glowed in the darkness, irises were vivid violet, not the usual dark steel purple, and even the pupils were slightly stratched in the shape of vertical ellipses. When his lips curved in disgust, Keith saw prominent fangs among the other teeth. This can't be happening, he thought. His single wish right now was to all this bizarre events of the last two or three days just be another nightmare. But the voice of reason in his head reminded:"This is not a dream. And you're no human being". Also, the pain would not leave him, reminding him that he had done something terrible and what he'd become. It wasn't surprising that he felt like his whole body was burning: there were at least a dozen of shot marks on his arms and legs (gifts from Lance, of course), few stabs (Pidge's bayard?) and Keith felt countless bruises pulse with blood, covering almost every inch of his body. But there was something else, something rushing through his veins, making them scorch. It was unbearable.

The mirror went transparent again. What now, Keith wondered in his mind. What will they do to him? Will they keep him forever imprisoned in this cell? Or will they surrender him to Galra? Simply killing him would be their best option, but the look in Shiro's eyes says that he won't let that happen.

As if he'd heard Keith's thoughts, Lance asked:

\- What do we do now?

But before Shiro could say anything, Coran emerged from the darkness, holding a huge old book in his hands.

\- I found it! - he shouted. - Darzali dor Inflerno!

\- What? - Lance asked, seemingly iritated.

\- The Book of Honour, - was the answer.

\- Coran, what are you talking about? - now it was Allura's turn to sound annoyed. - Keith woke up, we need to discuss his future by now.

\- The Book of Honour, Princess, is the old manuscript where every single piece of information the Galra know about themselves had been placed. Your father, King Alfor, used it a lot to establish contact with Emperor Zarkon.

The expression of pain appeared on Princess's face, but Coran haven't paid any attention to it, and continued:

\- It has a whole volume dedicated to the halfbreeds. Mixed race children was something they couldn't outrun while conquering galaxy after galaxy, although marrying non-Galra and mixing blood was considered showing weakness. I thought that this book might explain what happened last night.

\- You mean the SLAUGHTHER that happened last night? Please call things by their names, - Allura said harshly, giving Keith a dead glare. He dropped his head and stared at the blood smears on the floor of his cell. Meanwhile Coran resumed:

\- It's curious that the halfbreeds appear to have some specific traits. The ones with their Galra heritage supressed by the heritage of the other race, - he shot Keith a meaningful look, - may experience something called "The Flame of Purification".

The prisoner's head tilted up.

\- When they are betrayed, or hurt, or intimidated, or humiliated badly, mentally or physically injured by their loved ones, relatives, friends or people they are close to, when they loose their trust in everybody they know, the halfbreeds of this type (they call them 'water-blooded') burst with uncontrolled rage and attack everybody who's hurt them. At the same time, the Galra genes that were recently supressed, undergo expression, which causes monstrous pain, for every cell of the halfbreed's body is being rebuilt according to the Galran type. This leads to suicidal behavior, for the only two wishes that remain in the wild creature the halfbreed is becoming while going through "The Flame of Purification" are to kill everyone who made them feel this way and to put an end to all this pain they're experiencing by killing themselves.

The dead silence fell and reigned in the room for a long time, interrupted only by Keith's mourns - painfull attempts not to scream.


	3. Regrets

Common halfbreeds, whose other, non-Galran, heritage is not prominent, may be accepted by the pure Galra as the inferior fellow warriors, for their genome is quite strong and unconquered by xenogenes. The water-blooded halfbreeds thus, no matter how brave and glorious warriors they are, can't be accepted by the true Galra, for they're weak by their nature and their mixed blood makes them vulnerable. The only way to gain honour, respect and equality left for the spoiled halfbreeds is to go through "The Flame of Purification" and consequently either prove their strength or fall under the weight of their vulnerability.

**_The Book of Honour, volume 5, "The Halfbreeds_**"

**Chapter Three**

**Regrets**

\- So, it means... - started Lance in a croacked voice, but trailed off.

\- It means, - Coran continued in a low, hard and serious voice, which made Keith pop up his head and look into the Altean's eyes. It was horrifying how normally cheerful and a bit crazy royal advisor now sounded harshly and dissappointed, but when their eyes met, stiff expression on Coran's face softened, and he gave Keith a sad sorrowful look. The prisoner's eyes widened in surprise. - It means all of you were really mean to Keith in some way.

There was an awkward pause during which Keith carefully scanned through faces of those in front of him. Allura's eyebrows were furrowed as she stared angrily at her hands lying on her lap, Pidge hugged her knees, buried her face in them and breathed heavily, Hunk watched Keith from the corner of his eye, Lance's glare was glued to the floor, and Shiro... It was a pain just to look at him. When Keith met him in the eye, the Black Paladin's lips moved, as if he wanted to say something, but haven't got enough courage.

Keith turned away. Now that Coran had said it, the midst in his head went away. He remembered everything.

When Coran spoke again, evil growl appeared on Keith's lips, showing white sharp-edged fangs.

\- You hurt your friend so much, that he started to hate himself and lost his mind. How could it even happen?


	4. Allura

Although halfbreeds may be accepted in army as regular soldiers, the position of an officer, leiutenant, warlord or general can only be taken by pure Galra. Since no halfbreed is allowed to take part in Cral Zera ceremony, the Emperor, as the highest warlord, leader and ruler of the Empire, can only be chosen from the Galra with pure blood of every rank.

**_The Book of Honour, volume 5, "The Halfbreeds"_**

**Chapter Four**

**Allura**

Keith woke up, but kept his eyes closed for a while, not willing to see his dark cell, its black ceiling, its black walls, all this darkness watching him, as if waiting for the moment when he will let his guard down to crash his sanity, to swallow him up. His pain has awaken with him, it has become some kind of background for his existence. When he turned on his back and gained enough courage to look at the ceiling, Keith's eyes widened in shock. His room for the next who knows how many days was now full of light, with greenish and blueish white walls and white floor. And Keith's injured body rested not on the floor, but on the bed, under fresh white sheets. Despite that, they were already strained with blood.

Keith lifted the sheet and looked at his body. For some reason, he was wearing sleepwear of the same type every Paladin had: loose trousers and shirt of a color respectively to the color of Lion the Paladin was piloting with yellow-golden stripes sewed somewhere for decoration. Keith wasn't so found of it as Lance and hasn't worn it for ages. In fact, he had only tried it on once. Its intense color used to match perfectly his pale skin and black hair, but now... When the sleeve fell down from his raised left arm, Keith saw band-aids tightly covering his wounds. And the skin was purple. On the background of the red fabric of sleeve it looked blindingly bright. The band-aid on his arm was already soaked with blood, and his clothes had a darker red spots on them, which probably came from another band-aids. Keith touched his ears. He didn't need a mirror to state that he was still a Galra on the outside. He looked at his arm again and chuckled lightly. It was ironic that the only thing that left from his old self was the color of his blood. That cherry red liquid in his veins and sunset red in his arteria was the grim reminder of who he was and who he will never be able to be again.

Keith slowly sat on the bed, but it took him too much effort, so he rested a bit before stepping on the cold floor.

When his feet had barely touched the ground, the wall in front of him went glassy and a dark, tall and straight figure stepped in the circle of light coming from the cell. It was Princess Allura.

\- You've heard everything, haven't you?

\- Yes... - Keith said, - I have.

**The Day Before**

_Keith walked down the long corridor that lead to the Princess's apartaments. King Alfor must have loved his daughter a lot, judging by the comfort he'd surrounded her with. If Allura wanted, she could never leave her rooms and live there happily ever after. The fact that she actually didn't do that filled Keith with hope that he and the other Paladins were not so totally pathetic and pathetic beings._

_But recently there was one thing he was really worried about. While everybody (including himself) seemed to had gone through the agressive-denial phase of accepting him as a part Galra, Allura still acted distant and shot him savage looks when she thought he wouldn't notice. But he did._

_Keith was sure that if they'll have a talk and he'll explain himself, she wouldn't treat him like that any longer. He couldn't believe that such a geunine and fiercely brave creature can be intolerant for someone who had never done her wrong._

_But anyway he was still nervous, because having serious long talks (talks at all) with other people was more than he could bear._

_He finally reached the door and found it open. When Keith entered the hall, Allura's voice came from distance. His first intention was to run away. He didn't want to meet here Lance, or Shiro, or anybody else. Keith planned a confidential conversation with Princess, not a psychological group meeting. But the moment after he realised she was talking to herself. The Red Paladin wanted to go away immediately, but what he heard had completely paralysed him, glued his legs to the floor so he couldn't move even though he strongly wished to._

_Somewhere in the luxurious apartaments, Allura shouted:_

_\- And this bastard of one of Zarkon's generals or even regular soldiers, which is more possible, is flying my father's Lion! The Galra can never be trusted! Zarkon was the one who lied to his team. Most of the original Paladins died of his hands. My father died of his hand, and he was calling him a friend! Zarkon has proved that a Galra can never be a paladin of Voltron! This whole race is corrupted, evil and treatorous,- she took a pause, but then continued: - I-i need to get rid of Keith. In some way... Send him somewhere... Where this monster won't hurt anyone. But until that, I need to find another paladin for the Red Lion. I was such a fool to give it to him! I gave a part of the most powerful weapon in the Universe right into the hands of its enemy! The Red Lion must be under some kind of influence. I need to step in and archieve my father's heritage! To whom King Alfor's Lion should respond, if not to his only daughter?_

_Keith had enough listening to this. He finally managed to move out of the hall and make it to the training room, where he cut and crashed robots in rage he had never felt before._

Both Allura and Keith remained silent, standing in front of each other, until Keith felt tired and sat on the floor, resting his back on the side of his bed.

\- Are you feeling victorious now? - he asked with a sigh.

She raised her eyebrows:

\- Why?

\- Your expectations turned out to be true. I betrayed you and hurt everyone. Which I have never thought of doing.

\- But you did. But not to everyone. You didn't do any harm to Coran. He is your greatest defender now.

\- Defender of the defender of the Universe, huh? Can I even call myself this way now?

\- I don't even know whether I can call myself King Alfor's daughter now.

\- At least you know who you are.

\- Not anymore.

Now it was Keith's turn to raise his eyebrows. Allura stared at the floor.

\- My father led Altea to the times of prosperity and peace. He learned to accept every race, every creature, helped different civilizations to gain peace. His diplomacy was a stuff of legends. His goal was to keep the balance in the Universe. The negotiations between the original Paladins that led them to becoming close friends, comrades were his archievement. And what have I done?

\- You planned to exile me. How would you have explained it to the rest of the team, I wonder?

Allura didn't answer, and Keith wondered if anybody would argue or doubt her decision in case she'd fulfilled her plan.

\- Now that I have proved myself being a monster, what will you do with me?

\- I and the others will try to cure you. All of us decided that we will try.

\- Cure me of my genes? Thank you very much! - Keith said mockingly.

\- Not of your Galra heritage. Of The Flame of Purification.

**That Day**

_Princess of Altea ran through the labyrinth of corridors of the Castle of Lions, barely recognizing the direction she was going in. She almost didn't care. Allura just wanted to be as far from the creature Keith has become as possible. At the corner of her mind she was hoping to safely return to the others and help them to tame this beast. But her will to live right now was stronger than altruism. Every cell of her being screamed for her to run._

_Although she ran faster than nowhen, the distance between her and Keith has been shortening with every second. Princess turned right, hoping there will be a room she could trick her chaser into running in, or at least where she could lock herself and stay safe until its over._

_But when Allura looked up, she saw a dead end._

_Princess ran to the wall in the end of the corridor, trying to get the further from Keith she still could and pressed her back against it, preparing to fight. Which was practically useless. She had no weapons, no thick armor, no means to escape and no time to think._

_Keith appeared from behind a corner and made a lightning-fast movement at her direction with his hand. Allura watched in awe as something flew into her, and a moment later a loud scream escaped her lips. Terrible pain she had never felt before bumped into her, sending hot flesh-scorching shivers from her right shoulder. When she turned her head, Allura saw Keith's Marmoran knife sticking out of it._

_It was when Princess realised it was all over. Keith with wildly glowing eyes was approaching her, coming closer and closer, her ribs ached from running, it felt like her shoulder was on fire, she couldn't stand firmly on the ground, but she couldn't just collapse on the floor either, because the knife cut through her shoulder and stuck in the wall._

_Just when Keith almost reached her, when he already raised his right clawed arm to grab his knife, a blast of blue laser gun touched his hand beneath the elbow. Keith screamed in pain, but while he'd been turning around to face the encounter more shots came to his palms, hands, hips, thighs and knees. Behind Keith's shoulder Allura saw Lance shooting from his bayard. He managed to fire so many shots in such a short time without a single miss. She sighed in relief._

_Keith looked at Lance and roared at him showing his sharp fangs. Then he turned to Princess again, tore his knife from Allura's shoulder, jumped... and dissapeared in vents. Allura immediately fell on the floor, for there were nothing to hold her anymore. Lance looked at the hole in the ceiling where Keith had just dissappeared. Then he gave Allura a sad look and said:_

_\- Allura, I... I-i'm sorry..._

_\- It's okay, - Princess responded weakly with a small painfull smile. - You go get him. Shoot him down, sharpshooter._

_And before Lance could answer anything, her vision faded and Princess fell unconscious._

\- And how are you going to accomplish that? - Keith asked, unsuccesfully trying to hide a spark of hope in his voice.

Allura cleared her throat.

\- We don't know for sure. Coran is going to search through the Book of Honour to find some answers, more information. The rest of us... We made a short plan and divided our responsibilities. Each of us will visit you on a certain day with your... OUR specific problem to work on.

\- Will the days when you leave me alone be there?

\- If you wish.

\- I definitely would.

The awkward silence lasted for a few seconds, before Keith asked half mockingly, half desperate:

\- And which of my mental wounds are you supposed to heal on your watch?

Allura waited a bit, then lowered her head and mumbled to the floor:

\- Physical contact.

**That Day**

_Keith raised his head and straightened. His ears moved slightly as he listened carefully to Allura singing quietly some weird Altean song somewhere in the Castle. He could feel her scent from here. The Princess of Altea smelled like roses, silk and blood that came from the wounds from fingernails on her palms, which she carefully covered with fingerless gloves of her suit. Now that Keith knew about his Galra heritage, it wasn't surprising he was the only one to hear Princess scream at night. It seemed that he also was the only one in team telling the truth and not wearing a mask. Or at least he thought so._

_Keith rushed to the source of smell. His head was foggy and full of hatred. The words Allura said yesterday went through his head over and over sending another waves of pain washing over him like ocean's waters, like flames._

_On and on he ran, until Princess appeared in the end of the corridor he turned to. Keith stopped and watched as Allura put on a friendly mask with genuine smile and made few steps towards him, but then, when she saw an expression of disgust and hatred on his face, she took a step back and her mask slipped away, showing her true emotions._

_Keith felt like his consciousness was split in a half. A part of him watched from the distance as the other part, constantly growing and becoming stronger, raged on. He didn't want to hurt his friends, but the other part overcame, and he did so. He has totally lost control._

_\- Keith? What-what happened?_

_\- It's my honour to deprive the Universe of such a fake being, Princess._

_Her eyes widened, and after a brief moment of shock, she turned over and fled. Keith was right on her heels._

\- W-what? - Keith's mouth fell open.

Physical contact was his biggest weakspot. All these years spent alone left a mark, a special print on him. He had no friends, no relatives, nobody except for his brother not by blood, but by mind, Shiro. But they knew each other so well they need no touch, no words to understand each other's mood, emotions, thoughts. It was enough for Keith to look into Shiro's eyes to know how bad things were, was he mad at him or not or is he proud of Keith's new archievement. And vice versa, when Keith wanted to keep something in secret, his stare was glued to the floor, so Shiro wouldn't guess what is happening inside of him.

The others, especially Hunk, Pidge and Lance, hugged a lot, have been giving each other a high five on every occasion, patted each other on the shoulder, were holding hands at the particularly hard times in sign of unity. It had always surprised Keith how they knew what to do in a certain situation. And Shiro was the same! He knew when to raffle Pidge's hair to cheer her up, he knew when to lay a hand on Lance's shoulder to calm him down, he knew when to hug Hunk to end his anxiety attack before it started. Keith was never able to tell when the right moment was, he was too afraid to be rejected. He may occasionally let Shiro hug him when the things were totally terrible and he needed some comfort, and nobody could get away from his space dad patting on the shoulder, but not more than that. And now guess who was going to comfort him? Princess Allura, who said he was a disgusting monster needed to be tamed and exiled somewhere far, far away! His mind was racing.

Princess remained silent.

\- Don't you think I'm a disgusting monster?

\- Yes.

Keith shaked his head. It didn't make sense. But he was so devastated he couldn't care less. "They can do what they want to", he thought, "I'm their prisoner now". And a little part of him, which he was unaware of, added:"But I wish they'd just kill me".

\- Can I come in? - Allura asked.

\- Well, I am the prisoner here, not you. You can go wherever you want to.

A painfull look appeared on her face as she stepped back in the shadows only to turn up in the doorway on the wall behind Keith. He scrambled up to his feet, mourning between clenched teeth. He could barely stand straight, so he almost immediately sat on the bed.

Allura stood awkwardly leaning against the wall. Keith watched her carefully for a few seconds before asking:

\- What exactly are you going to do?

\- I'm going to brush your hair.

These words seemed to give Allura confidence, for she made few steps towards Keith. She felt how he stiffened when she sat on the opposite side of the bed behind him. Princess pulled out a light pink comb and took a strand of Keith's hair with a shaking hand, sending cold shivers down his back. To fill this awkward silence, Allura asked Keith while combing his messy hair:

\- Why did you never spoke to us, or at least to Shiro about the way you felt? We could have prevented this, sorted things out.

\- And why did you lie every time Shiro asked you if you were okay?

Allura waited a moment before responding:

\- I-i... It was just me and my problems. I never wanted to burden you with all this stuff. Everybody has nightmares sometimes.

\- You've answered your question.

It took Princess much effort to carefully brush this black flow, so she wondered:

\- Why do you never cut your hair? It must be a great distraction in a battle. Coran washed you and took care of your wounds, but it was too much of a call for him to comb your hair.

Keith shrugged.

\- It just reminds me of my childhood, when my dad had to pay me a candy to have my permission to cut my hair at least a bit, so I could see properly. I've been always upset after cutting it off, it felt like parts of me have been taken away.

Allura didn't say anything, but Keith continued, as if the words he said were the flow that had washed away the dam somewhere in his mind.

\- By the way, my dad was a human, - he said in a stiff tone, but resumed in a more soft voice: - He never told me anything specific about mom. I guess she was Galran or part Galran. He has always said that he loved her a lot, but she went away. I've always thought she had died, but now I'm not sure. Maybe she left me.

Allura was silent for a moment, but then she said in a low voice:

\- My father has been spending a lot of time with me, he was caring and loving, as well as my mother, but sometimes... There where times I haven't seen him for months! He was too busy building Voltron, fighting the enemies alongside with the other paladins, studying ancient Altean alchemy... I was proud of him, but I wanted father not to be the king so we could spend more time together. When he started to take me with him, started to teach me how to fly the Castle... It helped a lot.

\- Did you knew Zarkon?

\- Yes, of course. The original Black Paladin... He played with me when I was small, and father has brought me on a mission with the other paladins few times. He had always been awkward around other people. Skilled and disciplined warrior, he had no idea how to interact with his friends, people he cared about. I remember how I pursued him to play royal tea party with me. He had been blushing all the time.

Princess chuckled lightly, but then her forehead wrinkled, her eyebrows furrowed and she sighed desperately.

\- When all this slaughther has begun, I was sure that Zarkon had been pretending all this time. That he had always been evil and cruel. Since then I've always thought about a Galra as an enemy. But now I don't even know.

The word "slaughter" that slipped from Allura's lips reminded Keith of the time she had spoken it before. When he woke up after spilling his friends' blood and his own. Grim reminder.

He fought the numbness and asked after a moment:

\- How's your arm?

\- Better. Coran placed me in a curing pod for some time. But the wound still bleeds sometimes.

\- Do you hate me?

\- I don't know. It's my fault you injured me, but I expected you to do so, and you did...

Another long pause has been broken by Keith:

\- Allura, tell me...

\- Huh?

\- Why you?

She let out a sorrowful sigh.

\- Coran insisted on it, but seriously, who would have done it instead of me? And... Coran told me... That you may have had feelings for me.

Keith gasped, but managed to conquer his shaking voice:

\- I had. But not the ones you think.

The words "maybe I still have" echoed through his mind.

Allura's eyed widened.

\- I see, - she whispered.

Princess carefully stood up and headed for the door.

Her job has been done, so now she could end the torture it definitely was for both of them.

Keith ran a hand through his hair. It was silky and wasn't all in knots anymore.

\- Thank you, Allura.

She looked at him and nodded.

The door in front of her appeared and opened with a loud whoosh, but Keith managed to tell her before she dissappeared:

\- You'd better learn to accept the other Paladins, Princess. Or otherwise you'll end up alone surrounded by your heritage - metal beasts that don't even respond to you.


	5. Scientist et murderer

_The Galra are the most highly evolved and technologically advanced race in the whole Universe. The burden of upgrading the technology and mechanics used by the Galra lies on the shoulders of Druids governed by the High Priest(ess). The only honourable occupation for a true pure-blooded Galra is fighting for the Empire's prosperity, conquering new territories and races and obtaining resources._

**_The Book of Honour, chapter 5_**

**Chapter Five**

**Scientist et murderer**

Days flew right through Keith not staying for much longer. The line between the day and the night blurred and then faded away. Every now and then he woke up, he saw new band-aids and purple skin, he felt pain, and then it all went all over again. He tried to do exercises, but feeling as if his joints twisted and ripped apart when he moved was more than he could bear. So he just lied on the bed or, sometimes, on the soothingly cold floor, when the suffering was too severe, when he felt as if every inch of his body was on fire.

Keith struggled to stay awake, but he had always failed. After a nearly comatose sleep, he had been waking up again. It went over and over as a completely crazy Ferris wheel. But one day he woke up, turned his head to the left and spotted shadowed silhouette on the floor. When his eyes focused, he recognised a huge laptop of dark metal color. Behind the monitor, covered with an eerie green glowing coming from the laptop, right on the floor, sat Pidge.

**The Day Before**

_Blood Scaning_

_Initiate_

_#24H3_

_Subject: FullGenomAnalysis_

_Code_

_Number of bases_

_Basic structural-functional unit_

_#8*3_

_Procedure_

_Control Probe_

_—Name: Human Blood_

_—Origin: Aliance_

_—Group: B_

_—Rh-_

_Examine Probe_

_—Name: Monster gore_

_—Origin: Koverngher_

_—Group: Unknown_

_—Rh: Unknown_

_Analyzing..._

_Recombination of the Gained Data..._

_Loading..._

_RESULTS 49,5% structurally match_

_47,8% sequentically match_

_50,5% failed to identify_

_53,2% Invalid Data error_

_Save on The GhostDrive..._

_Loading..._

_Downloading on The GhostDrive..._

_Finished successfully_

_Procedure_

_Control Probe_

_—Name: Galran Blood_

_—Origin: Cruoudeptorica_

_—Group: 123_

_—Definition Unsuccessful_

_Examine Probe_

_—Name: Monster gore_

_—Origin: Koverngher_

_—Group: Unknown_

_—Rh: Unknown_

_Analyzing..._

_Recombination of the Gained Data..._

_Loading..._

_RESULTS 23,5% structurally match_

_11,4% senquentically match_

_12,3% basical structure match_

_49,5% failed to recognize_

_47,8% failed to compare_

_Save on The GhostDrive..._

_Loading..._

_Downloading on The GhostDrive..._

_Finished successfully_

_Procedure_

_Control Probe_

_—Name: Human Blood_

_—Origin: Aliance_

_—Group: B_

_—Rh-_

_Examine Probe_

_—Name: Galran Blood_

_—Origin: Cruoudeptorica_

_—Group: 123_

_—Definition Unsuccessful_

_Analyzing..._

_Recombination of the Gained Data..._

_Loading..._

_RESULTS_

_NO MATCH FOUND_

_FAILED TO COMPARE_

_Save on The GhostDrive..._

_Loading..._

_Downloading on The GhostDrive..._

_Finished successfully_

_Procedure_

_SequenceDecode_

_Analysis..._

_DATA sucessfully gained_

_Store on the GhostDrive..._

_Loading..._

_Downloading on The GhostDrive..._

_Finished successfully_

_Procedure_

_NumberBases_

_Loading..._

_RESULTS 10_

_Unknown 6_

_Save on the GhostDrive..._

_Loading..._

_Downloading on The GhostDrive..._

_Finished successfully_

_Procedure_

_Structure3D_

_Scaning..._

_Scaning successfully finished_

_Print 3D model_

_Printing finished_

_Store in the Shadow Bay Archivum..._

_Successfully delivered_

—Hey, Pidge, have you finished that another super razzle-dazzling laser for old Blue? What are you tinkering with?

_EndAllProcesses..._

—Nothing.

_SessionEnded_

Keith sat and stared at his encounter in complete terror, with his eyes widened. It was as if a ghost from the ancient past came into his foggy uncertain life of a prisoner, bringing back the memories he'd been pushing away the entire time since he'd waken up in this cell and was reminded of what he had done. He was afraid, completely terrified to speak to her, but deep in the core Keith knew he couldn't remain silent. He braced himself and asked:

—How bad it is? - his voice shaked.

Pidge popped her head up from laptop.

—The pain is on the background level now, almost bearable, I'm even able to drink now. But one thing has changed for me since we last met.

Cold shivers went down Keith's shoulders as he slowly realised that Pidge's lips haven't moved since she started to speak. And the voice he heard was coming from laptop. Then Pidge's artificial voice continued:

—I can't say a word without starting to cough my throat off. You've witnessed it starting when you'd just waken up. The feeling of having a stir down in my throat that rips my skin off progresses. Oh, and the last one: you've left a print on me that won't heal.

While saying this, Pidge lowered the collar of her turtle-neck sweater. Keith saw blue-violet-yellowish stripes with red bruises on her skin - must've been marks from nails - wrapped around the girl's neck. The fact the he could tell what length these stripes exactly were made Keith want to scream, but he struggled for breath as if he was the one who had been chocked.

**That Day**

_— Hey, Hunk, can you help me with something?_

_—Yeah, what is it?_

_—I.. I'm working on something. It's a... liquid. I need something I can inject it with. Some gun, probably._

_—Pidge, what are you up to?_

_—Me? Nothing. Just another experiment._

_—You're nervous._

_—No, I'm NOT!_

_—You said "something" three times in a row. And you hate to repeat yourself. What's the matter?_

_—Pshfhshhh... Okay. I'm working on s- Hhhh... On the substance... That will help us control Keith!_

_—What?_

_—You've heard me perfectly well. I've studied his blood and-_

_—Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! You what? Where did you even get his blood from???_

_—From the training deck. He is a savage._

_—Uhh... So what exactly are you going to do?_

_—I've made three serums to use them on different occasions: the Wake Up Serum, the Good Night Serum and the... The Goodbye Serum. But it's a drastic measure._

_—Ugh..._

_—All of these work only on Galra or half-Galra. Not dangerous for anyone on this ship except for Keith._

_—Oh._

_—Stop whining! He's a threat to all of us! Do you want to get stubbed perfectly clean and beautifully in the back when he will loose it?_

_—Brr... No. But anyway. What do you want me to do?_

_—Engineer a weapon that would be able to inject Keith with one of those serums. Preferably with a switch to choose one, not a three different guns. And oh, I know! Add a two-option button for the Wake Up and Good Night ones, and a special emergency switch for The Goodbye one._

_—But why?_

_—Because we might need it soon._

_Delicate murmurs went from the comms. Hunk did his best, but haven't succeed in hearing it clearly. Pidge must've moved away from the mic in her laptop. He turned up the emergency comms built right into the walls of Pidge's laboratory just in time to hear the sounds of something crashing, glass falling from shelves and tables, inhuman screams and roars that sent icy shivers down his spine. But his terror doubled, when he realised, that he haven't heard the one really important sound since all this mess had started - Pidge's voice._

Keith stayed silent. He was horrified that he was ABLE to hurt Pidge, the smallest and the fragilest of them all. And he knew it was pointless to say "i'm sorry" and Pidge unterstood this as well. Words won't put everything together. It's like asking a glass that fell on the floor and broke to piece together. Pointless. The words can only crash. Like Pidge's and Allura's did. Maybe it's better to remain silent for your whole life, so you won't hurt anyone.

—I'm scanning you genome now, - Pidge's artificial and natural at the same time voice broke the silence. - At time, 90% of all genes expressed in your cells are Galran. I also put you through the extended computer tomography...

—You what?...

Keith caught up. It was too much. Even though it hurt, even though his body was heavy as tons of lead, he began to scream in desperation, in mental pain:

—You're doing this again! You don't ask me if I want any of it, if I agree! You're just using my body as one of your models, your robots, your toys! I am NOT an experiment that went wrong!

He felt exhausted and fell on the bed. His heavy breaths exhaled with clenched teeth sounded like air being sucked out by the low pressure of the outer space through the hole in damaged spaceship's sheathing. The sound of life slowly drifting away.

Finally Pidge said:

—What else am I supposed to do? Hug you and tell you everything is okay? No way. Nothing will ever be okay again. It's gone and needs to be forgotten. And what is more, you're right, you're NO experiment to me. You were a beast needed to be tamed. Now that you are, I do what I usually do with Haggar's Robeasts and monsters we meet in the outer space: I study. But you're not the only one who's guilty here. And I'm a scientist, there's nothing more I can do now to help you.

—Are you sure you would've handled becoming murderer?

**The Week Before**

_Explosions, explosions, explosions..._

_They made Pidge go blind and deaf, but she still could sense the battlefield through her lion's eyes._

_Moment after colorful circles appeared in her sight, flying, colliding and stretching. When they finally dissappeared, a voice sliced the silence:_

_—P-pidge?_

_Of course, who else would have come to her call first if not the pilot of the fastest lion?_

_—It's over. They blew it up. Let's retreat, - she says emotionlessly._

_Inside her lion, Pidge takes her helmet off and throws it behind her. She doesn't care where it will land. She wipes the blood from her forehead and then pulls the levers. She doesn't care if the blood smears will be everywhere. Keith follows her silently. She doesn't care what he would think of if she continues being like that. He'd probably assumed that she's just shook. He will probably tell others._

_It's better this way. None of them needs to know what she did. That she got tired of being defeated. Tired of being desperate. Tired of searching for her family with no success. That she blew the base right off with the prisoners._

_None of them needs to know what she's planning. What she's up to._

_Not yet._

Pidge remained silent for a few ticks, then replied:

—Everyday we're saving planets and people that won't even remember us in ten minutes after us leaving by the cost of letting lead Galran generals and warlords escape with their new deadly weapon of mass destruction, broadcast our whereabouts to every Galran base in the nearest five quadrants and, occasionally, severely injure one of us. This kinda makes you consider every possible threat. And makes you ask yourself if there's something wrong with your way of fighting at war. So did I, and you know what? Interesting questions came to my mind: maybe we're too merciful? Too empathic? Maybe we should take eliminating Galra and especially Zarkon as our first priority?

Keith opened his mouth to say something in disagreement, but stayed silent. The memories of Lance emerging from his Lion throwing up blood, Pidge lying on the Green Lion hangar's floor with broken arm and burns on her face, Hunk crying and pleading to leave him alone when Keith and Shiro tried to lift him up and transport to the healing pods and the guy's body was a one gigantic bruise were too clear in his mind. It's been a while since a falx-shaped scar appeared on the left side of his thorax, reminder of the time one of Galran centries threw him in the wall so hard seven of his ribs broke and poke skin and muscles. But sometimes he still had nightmares in which his every breath filled his entire body with severe suffering. And Shiro... Their brave and courageous leader had panic attacks every now and then while in battle, when something reminded him of the torture and pain he went through as Galran prisoner. Sometimes seeing Shiro in the mornings his second-in-command wondered if he ever sleeps at all.

But there was something Keith couldn't agree with.

—But we can't leave all of these innocent beings to burn and die in vain! You seem to forget that we're not fighting for ourselves, but for the sake of all Universe, for the freedom of all these "planets and people that won't even remember us"! If we would have fought Zarkon not considering every cost, the whole existence might've been wiped out by now!

—First of all, there's no "we" anymore. It was a mistake that a monster like you had been piloting a Lion of Voltron. Secondly, I fight for my family and Earth, I wouldn't have cared for Zarkon so much if he haven't been a threat to them. It may sound harsh, but if we reject our hyperempathy, we may put an end on this war faster. What do thousands, even millions of lives cost, if Voltron can finally put an end on this mad, crazy empire and its inadequate, bloodthirsty leader who lost it a while ago???

—And what if in between these millions there was your father? - Keith interrupted. - We know that he is among the other captured scientists on one of Galran bases. And they force him to create weapons for the Empire. Every such base is a time-bomb for us. We never know what is constructed and built here. Don't you think we should destroy every such base we will find? Without rescuing the prisoners, of course, because if we do so, Galra might flee with the weapons from the base, or massively attack us while we will be exposing ourselves to save the scientists.

Pidge bit her lips. Keith sighed and shook his head.

—I just keep wondering why everybody on this ship is blaming me for hiding my Galra heritage I knew nothing about while being fake all the time. Your double standards make me sick.

Pidge said nothing; her fingers started to type something on her laptop harshly. Keith's glowing eyes saw perfectly well that her hands were trembling. He scowled.

—I've always, ever since we first met, was fascinated by you, Pidge. You kept on telling everybody about the staff we knew nothing about, you seemed to be the the bravest and the most mentally stable of us, young Paladins. It's always confused me how different you, cold-blooded and clearly-minded, were on missions comparing to Hunk's anxiety and Lance's up-in-the-cloud-ness. Maybe being cool when the situation's tough is a bad sign. I guess I didn't knew you well. You appear to have a secret side you don't show to anyone.

Pidge breathed in rapidly. Her laptop spoke:

—And what about you, Keith? Have you ever talked normally to any of us for once? You were always the one to leave the bridge or the lounge the faster you could! How can one tell someone doesn't want to kill them if they never tell what's on their mind and keep their personality under a total secret? How could I know you weren't going to attack us, if you'd been staying up late every night doing who knows what, getting up early and cutting and slicing the robots in training room so savagely they could barely repair themselves?

—And what else was I supposed to do? Since it had been revealed that I'm a Galra, everybody started to look at me the way you look at a homeless dog on the street. "Will it bite me? Or will it just pass by?" - I read in your eyes. I've been hiding from these looks ever since I became an orphan. And my training... You just don't understand it, you've never sparred like that. It's just you, and sword, and your enemy. Your mind clears; all you think of is the next move. Even more; you seem to not think at all, just letting instincts drive you, your muscles are moving your body where they want to, you kind of believe, trust them, like they know better. You're not a human, or a living being anymore. You're more of a lightning, savage storm, thunder. You strike and slice and bite. I'm not bloodthirsty; I just want to forget, even for a moment, that for you I'm nothing more than a monster you've stucked on this ship with.

—Now you're finally able to speak, - Pidge said dryly, closing her laptop, getting on her feet and walking away into the darkness.

But she didn't know, that with that pointed Galran ears of him, Keith could hear a tear streaming down her cheek and falling on the floor.

**_**

**Author's Note: "et" is a Latin word for "and".**

**Forgive my medical-student-ness :)**

**Also, reviews are love :3**

**('Cause really, i have no idea how do others see what i write)**


	6. Lullaby

_True Galra never let emotions cloud their judgement and affect their ability to quickly analyze any situation and make a decision. Putting one's own good over the good of the Empire or being corrupted by one's feelings may only be considered as showing weakness. A true Galra should always be ready to sacrifice everything it takes to keep The Galra Empire in prosperity and their honour of a warrior unspoiled. The blood bond doesn't matter when it comes to a family member commiting unforgivable crimes against the Empire. Showing compassion for the criminal and warrior deprived honour by their family should be considered as a confession of guilt, and the criminal's family should be treated as parthners in dishonoured warrior's crime._

**_The Book of Honour, volume 8, "The Punishment"_**

**Chapter Six**

**Lullaby**

For the rest of the day Keith had been restless. He'd been thinking over the words Pidge said over and over. He tried to look on his past, more humanly self from different angle. Is that what people saw? Angry, who knows - cruel, harsh rude guy sending shivers down their spine? Is it what he truly was?..

No way, he thought. They say they couldn't trust him, so why was HE supposed to trust them, to open up? Being an orphan since eight leaves a burnmark on you. Keith felt so pityful his guts twisted and tensed. He lied on the bed in embrio pose with his eyes closed, trying to remember every feeling he got about his comrades.

His thoughts stopped on Allura first. Did he hate her? No. She was so breathtakingly fierce and brave and never gave up, even though now that her entire race had burned to ashes along with her home planet, she could easily step aside and let herself drown in mourning her family and people. The fact that she didn't, that she continues her father's fight, resonated with Keith's rebellious and stubborn soul. He'd never let himself drown in sorrow. The pain that had been building up in him for years was a heavy burden, but it was HIS burden, and he carried it with chin raised up. How could he even dare to refuse to help Princess-warrior in her revenge on the monsters that deprived her everything? Unlike Keith, she knew exactly who her offenders were.

Someone might say Keith had romantic feelings towards Allura, but Keith knew - his feeling of total awe when he saw her in a battle, when her eyebrows furrowed at the sight of injustice and upression of the weaker ones, when he catched her voice slightly trembling during motivational speech, when she smiled slightly, only with the corner of her lips - it wasn't love. The thing is that she'd always got him excited with every single thing she'd done; to Keith, Princess was the most unusual and spectacular being he'd ever met. In fact, she still is, he must admit. But if you admire the fire, be ready to get burned.

Who's next? Pidge. He yelled at her once for "putting the lives of two people over the lives of the entire Universe". These days, it sounded pretty reasonable. But later on, silently watching Pidge, Keith realised they had much more in common than he would've thought. Actually, they shared one and the same trait - they cared about their close ones very much.

Their only difference was that the only close person Keith'd still had was Shiro. Except for him, Keith lost everything.

Suddenly his thoughts were interrupted by heavy footsteps in the hallway that led to his cell.

—Keith, - a low voice said as Hunk's figure emerged from the darkness, - I have news for you.

**That day**

_Hunk rushed through the corridors, pressing alarm buttons on the walls every now and then. He couldn't waste time to stop and talk to others through the comms. All he could do is hope that he'll arrive just in time to save Pidge from whatever's been going on in her lab._

_A lot of things had been whirling through Hunk's mind, but nothing could have prepared him for the sight that opened before his eyes when he finally reached the lab's door._

_Some terrifying, covered in blood creature held Pidge by the throat above the ground, her legs swinging in useless effort to free herself._

_All of a sudden the creature turned its head, and Hunk literally froze into the threshold._

_Keith scowled and loosened his grip on Pidge's neck, causing her to fall in the sea of shattered glass and blood smears on the floor._

_Hunk smashed his hand into the button on the wall and shouted through the comms:_

_— Guys! Keith went nuts! He-_

_But he never had a chance to finish, as the air had been suddenly kicked out from his lungs._

Keith feverly got up and faced Hunk, his body nervously shaking.

The Yellow Paladin sighed and said, his stare glued to the floor:

—Pidge told me she needs you for some tests.

—Okay, when do we start?

—Now, - said Hunk.

At the same time a cloud of smoke surrounded Keith, filling his lungs with disgustingly sweet scent, making him suffocate. Defeated, he took a deep breath and fell into abyss, as the cruel darkness embraced him.

When his mind has returned to his body, or at least he thought so, Keith was still in darkness. He had been floating in pitch-black thick liquid, forcing it into his lungs with every breath he took, and then tearfully breathing it out. When he finally gained control of his limbs, Keith started to push himself up. Swimming in thick ink-like water was tiring, but Keith couldn't bear any more of being alone, in the dark, deaf and blind.

Finally, his head reached the surface and Keith breathed in greedily.

The next moment his mind twisted and Keith lost his conscience again.

**Twelve Years Before**

_The stunning pain suddenly hits Keith, and he screams, falling on the ground. He sees a basketball ball rolling on the ground in the corner of his vision. It's not surprising his left leg gave up. He turns his head and gives a dead glare in the direction where the ball came from, but quickly looks away, embarassed._

_If you're a six-year-old boy you might hate girls, but you still blush when you see a cute one._

_—Are you okay? I'm so sorry!_

_She runs to Keith and helps him to stand up. He is so overwhelmed he doesn't resist._

_—Let me have a look, maybe you need medical help, - girl says in a serious tone. - I'm Olyvia, by the way._

_—Keith._

_He turns his leg and looks at it. Or at least he tries, cause Olyvia's brown flowy hair blocks the view._

_—Oh, there's a gigantic bruise here! I'll call Ms. Stoney- Wait! It's not a bruise! It's your own skin! And it's purple!!!_

_She jumps away in shock, and Keith finally has a chance to look at the spot, which he could feel was hotter than the other skin._

_She was right. There was a spot of vivid violet on his leg. And it was no bruise._

As Keith continued to stare at the spot in complete awe, he could sense the terror spreading on the background. They all've heard Olyvia scream. Keith feels every head of every child or adult on the playground turning in his direction.

The next second he screams in pain and collapses on his knees. They're coming closer, their gazes stinging, and stinging, and stinging him, drilling through his skin. And then they start to shout:

—Monster!

—Disgusting!

—Die!

The pain becomes unbearable; Keith and curls in a ball on the ground, covering his ears.

—Why don't you just die?

—You're an animal.

—Why did you pretend to be normal?

—We knew there was something wrong about you.

Keith screams on the top of his lungs as pain is crawling under his skin. Even though they're just saying those things, he feels as if someone is stabbing him with knives, sticking needles into his body. He almost feels himself bleeding.

Voices become so high-pitched they sound like claws being dragged against the glass. Keith's eyes fill with tears as he shrieks:

—Mom, please, help me! Why would you leave me?

Words continued to ring through his mind as the smoothingly soft darkness embarassed him.

When his mind clears up a bit again, Keith for who knows which time finds himself in the middle of nowhere. But this time the darkness feels so pleasant... All of his pain went away. Stings, cuts from those hellish voices don't bother him anymore. He doesn't even feel the scorching fire of The Flame of Purification running through his vessels.

Suddenly he feels warm arms embracing him, gently rubbing his back. His eyes burst with tears from the unexpected tenderness. Keith sobs, and his nose fills with suble scent of silk, roses and blood.

—Shh, it's over. It's okay.

—Allura?

—It's okay. You're safe now. Everything is over.

When he woke up for real, Keith lied on the bed in his cell. His eyes had been burning from the blindingly bright light that filled the prison. Hunk sat beside him, a little cloud of vapour forming above the cup in his hands.

—Are you mad?

Keith sighed.

—I'm so tired I don't really care.

—I'm sorry, we had to try this.

—And how your... experiment went?

—Not so good.

—Huh.

Then why did he feel no pain? Like at all?? Ever since he woke up in this cell for the first time, the pain had been his constant companion. The Flame of Purification, wounds he got while trying to kill everyone, aftermaths of Pidge's experiments or tests on him. The pain never ended. Hunk must've been lying. But what for?

—I brought you cacao. I thought you might like it.

Keith eyed Hunk suspiciously.

—I hope it's not poisoned or something.

Hunk pouted in response:

—No, it isn't.

The visitor handed a mug to Keith, then placed a finger on a headphone in his right ear and listened carefully for a few seconds, then excused himself and walked out of the cell. As Keith carefully took sips from the mug while watching Hunk rush down the corridor, he could only wish it wasn't something dangerous. For the first time he thought that he might one day walk out of this prison. Even though his skin was still purple.

Keith's thoughts returned to the hallucinations he'd had earlier. This scene on the playground... Except for the voices part, it did actually happen. But the end was different.

Keith remembered how he'd been sitting on the bench next to the Mrs. Stoney office' door for who knows how long. A nurse had bandaged his leg from knee to ankle and had given Keith a pack of ice for him to cool the injured area. Underneath it all, purpleness on his skin had been slowly ressolving.

That time his dad told Mrs. Stoney Keith's had a hemophilia, so it was normal for him to get such terryfying bruises easily due to the severe hypodermic bleedings. These days Keith couldn't figure out a thing out of this sentence, but the teacher had seemingly calmed down and nobody had ever spoke of this accident again.

Keith sighed. Sitting on the bench outside of the room where someone - Shiro or his dad - had been explaining his behaviour, listening to the teacher's speech on how inexcusable Keith's actions were or trying to redeem him was kind of... his thing.

Nevertheless, Keith still felt guilty for being such a problem for everyone.

Childhood memories served as a good lullaby, and when he's been done with his drink, the prisoner fell sound asleep.


	7. Rival

_A true Galran warrior must remain fearless and collected during the battle. Those lacking courage shall never be soldiers._

**_The Book of Honor, chapter 7, volume 9 "Bravery"_**

**Chapter 7**

**Rival**

Next few days were peaceful and quiet, as if everyone had given Keith time to calm his nerves and collect his senses, much needed after the whole experiment-went-wrong thing. Although he was no longer as shook and terrified as he was after finally gaining consciuosness, Keith still couldn't figure out what exactly happened. Allura's embrace, ink sea, childhood memories transformed into a nightmare - none of these made sense.

These days nothing ever happened. Hunk's been showing up on his doorstep with trays of delicious food he'd only cooked when someone on the team was sick. Allura occasionally came to chat about nothing specific, but rather pleasant small things like what her favorite color was or what sunsets on Altea looked like. Pidge had visited him a few times as well, only to ask him some questions on how was he feeling these days, always fleeing before Keith could open his mouth and simply ask her how he was doing.

His visitors kept on giving him sorrowful looks when they thought he wasn't paying attention.

As a few more days passed, Allura still visiting him quite often, Keith suddenly realised that they'd formed a closer bond than the one they've previously had. Their terrific experience forced both of them to open up, to release all the grieving sadness and unshed sadness they carried within.

One day, Allura said, staring at her hands, avoiding the eye contact:

—Lance wanted to visit you.

Keith clenched his teeth but remained silent, waiting for Allura to say something.

—He said he wanted to tell you something.

**Three days before**

**_The Fifth Day, near the Zebellious moon system. Solar eclipse. Friday?_**

_Dear Diary,_

_I messed up again._

_I am pointless._

_I deserve to die._

_Had a panic attack on mission today. It felt like I fell away from reality and stuck in a white fog, it felt as if I've been turned off._

_I couldn't breathe, or else I would've felt pain on the left side of my chest, which would have definitely made me scream. I couldn't open my eyes, cause I've been totally terrified that the poisonous fog might degrade them. I couldn't do any of my wake-up tricks like biting my tongue or cheek, or digging my nails into my palm or thigh, because the others might feel it through our lions' connections._

_For a couple of minutes, all I could do was to shiver with my whole being, gasping for air, hy heart racing so rapidly I couldn't move a finger without increasing the pain._

_When my mind returned to my body again, Keith yelled at me through the comms. Shiro /as usually/ shushed him, but it was more of necessity rather then compassion._

_I know he was mad at me. Of course he was, cause who would not be! While I've been "daydreaming", three more Galra cruisers approached Hunk, Pidge and Keith. And my Lion just floated in the middle of the battlefield, depriving Shiro a chance to shoot._

_Everybody screamed for me to do something or at least get out of the way. But I haven't heard them. The fog made me feel like I had cotton in my ears._

_What a shame._

_Why is everybody completely okay with Shiro having his PTSD flashbacks? Nobody yells at him, calling him worthless._

_Oh well, Shiro is not as pathetic as I am. After Keith had yelled at me, I wept like a coward._

_Tears have been streaming down my cheeks, and I just couldn't help it._

_But still, it could've been worse._

_And it happened._

_When I walked out of my Lion's hangar, there was Keith standing in the corridor with his arms crossed._

_I tried to just ignore him and walk away, but he grabbed me by the shoulders and shoved me into the wall. My back smacked into concrete, sending cold icy prickles down my spine._

_"What the quiznak, Lance?"_

_Same question, bro_

_But instead of telling the truth, I joked:_

_"Look who's moody today, Mullet-head"_

_Keith's mouth curved._

_"Lance, stop being a clown. It's not a joke, nor it's the Garrison. This is war. What if Pidge or Hunk would get shot? Killed? Are you willing to pay this price?"_

_Of course I'm not._

_Keith let me go and started to pass back and forth in the corridor like a wolf in the cell. Cheez, the guy's completely nuts._

_"What are you even thinking about?"_

_I say nothing and just stare at the floor._

_Why would I tell this savage guy how I feel?_

_Keith shakes his head and walks away. When he turns left in the end of a corridor heading for the bridge, I slide my back down the wall and collapse on the floor._

_I hate Keith. Why can't I be so brilliant at piloting he is?_

_Even back at the Garrison, I hadn't been even compared to him, he'd been just spectacular and the others were just others, mundanes._

_It was myself who invented the whole neck-to-neck thing, our "rivalry"._

_To outcast Keith became my aim, but..._

_No matter how hard I worked, his results have always been better._

_Now I understand, that this was possible just because of his Galran blood. Of course, regular human would have never been able to do such things. It's been a kind of cheating, that's all._

_I don't believe a word he says these days. I don't believe he knew nothing about his Galra heritage. I don't believe he's on our side. I don't believe he hasn't got an evil plan. I just. Don't. Believe._

_Had to take a sleeping pill today, or I would've never fell asleep. Hope I will see something soothing in a dream. Maybe the ocean. Or our old house on the beach. Or Allura's smile. Anything except monsters, Zarkon, explosions, Galra, my own death..._

_Please..._

**Days passed since the last panic attack: 0**

**The Day Before**

_Fell asleep really late tonight, got up MUCH later than usual._

_When I finally made myself look like a human and dragged my body to the bridge, everybody has been up for hours already._

_The first thing I saw was Keith standing on the left from Allura's working area surrounded by Shiro, Hunk and Pidge._

_What again?_

_"Nice work, Keith"_

_Tap on the shoulder._

_"With this information in our hands, we can easily free this Galaxy from Galra presence"_

_Glow of light on the glasses._

_"You're a hothead, Keith. You shouldn't take actions like that alone"_

_Geniune smile._

_My guts start to twist. It's good I've skipped the breakfast. Either way I'd throw up right here right now._

_And then things got even worse. I spot Allura on the right, her working area parting her from the others. And she's looking at Keith, her eyes glittering. I look away, but not fast enough to not to notice that Keith stared at her back._

_I don't say a word and head for my seat. On my way I find myself cornered by Pidge and Hunk, both are not really pleased to see me. It's not surprising._

_"What the quiznak is happening here?"_

_"Keith woke up early and spotted Galran cruiser following us. He infiltrated it and eventually took it down. The information seems to be really useful. I'm working on a proper translation right now. And where have *you* been?"_

_I blushed._

_"I was sleeping"_

_Hunk's eyes widen, Pidge facepalms._

_"When you'll finally grow up, Lance?"_

_I stare at my shoes. They both sigh and go away._

_Sitting and scaning through the wasteness of space turns into a torture. I notice more looks from Allura, even more looks from Keith in response. They seem to never meet each other's gazes. Oh, quiznak, it's too much for me today._

_I asked Allura whether she needs me right now and awkwardly complimented her. Her mouth went stiff, and she spitted:_

_"No"_

_Of course._

_I went to my room and collapsed on the bed. Only music will keep me alive today._

_But I just couldn't relax. My thoughts kept wandering over Keith's little adventure. Dozens of questions have been whirling in my mind._

_Why he'd woken up so early?_

_How did he even notice that ship? Of course it had some kind of stealth technology. No chance he saw it with bare eyes._

_He must've been scaning the quadrant at the moment. What for?_

_I just kept wondering why everybody was completely okay with that? I may be goofball, but I'm definitely not goofball enough to trust Keith with my life._

_And if my destiny was to die in space, I'd prefer to sacrifice my life for the sake of peace in the Universe, rather than being stabbed in the back by mad half-Galra._

_Later I got bored and started to feel lonely. I didn't feel like joining others on the lounge or bridge at all. Not after what happened today's morning. At the same time, I just couldn't survive without shooting, so I grabbed my bayard and headed for the training deck._

_I hold the rifle with my left hand; my right index finger lies on the trigger. I feel cold metal and plastic through the fabric of my shirt's sleeve. I close my right eye, find target in the rifle's sight. I inhale and very slowly exhale, pulling the trigger._

_I shoot and shoot and shoot. I hear nothing but the beating sound in my chest and the blasts._

_I never ever feel so calm and relaxed. This is my medicine, my way of meditation, if you like._

_But then I see Keith._

_I look through the window at the combat training room in complete awe. Keith is even wilder today than usual. He seems to be... In rage??? But why?_

_It makes no sense._

_I feel dread forming in my stomach when I realise this weapon of mass destruction can one day turn his back on us and join different side in this war._

_Why not?_

_Maybe he wants to be with his kind._

_Meanwhile Keith made a lightning-fast movement, switched hands and cut robot's head off._

_As I watch his blade sliding through the metal of robot, I suprprisingly to myself think that one day it might be my neck, my head._

_For a brief moment, I feel so peaceful._

_I shake my head._

_Nasty._

_I got an awkward feeling I've seen these movements before._

_The revelation hits me when another robot appears from a hole in the floor._

_Galran soldiers. Their fighting style is exactly the same._

_I gasp._

_Keith turned his head, but I quickly hid in the darkened shooting room._

_I've had enough._

**Days passed the last panic attack: 2**

**That Day**

_\- All you've ever wanted was to die a noble death, right? - he scowled. - To make everyone believe you're not a coward, to sacrifice yourself saving the Universe! That's why you saved Coran from the crystal's explosion, that's why you've piloted your Lion so reckelessly into intense battle, although everybody knows you're a coward! You're not brave nor thirsty for blood nor courageous - YOU JUST WANT TO DIE!!!_

_Lance felt tears forming in his eyes and a moment later he's already been choking on them, not able to copy with salty water streaming down his cheeks._

_\- All I want, - he started, his voice croaked, as if Keith's words turned into a hand that grabbed Lance by his throat, his lower lip trembling, - is put an end to these lies you've been feeding us. And I want the rest of the team safe and sound._

_Keith's scowl grew bigger, revealing sharp-edged fangs. He lowered the arm he'd been holding the knife in, and Lance saw a sword-like cloud of sparkles obscure the weapon._

_\- So you chose to play a role of a savior of all creation again? How dumb. You want a glorious death? I'll give you one, - Keith said with disgust ringing in his voice._

_And without another word, he strengthened grip on his blade and jumped in Lance's direction, quick as a rubberband snapping._

_Lance watched in slow motion as Keith approached him straightening his right arm, pulling his sword behind his back a bit to have a space for maneuver. For a brief moment, he stared in awe as the blade caught a glimpse of light from bulbs on the ceiling._

_"My head, my neck", he thought, closing his eyes._

—Listen, I'm not a fan of all-forgiving speeches Allura's giving us about you, but now that you've opened up and told everyone how you feel, I think you deserve an explanation. I have severe anxiety. It all started when I entered the Garrison, but these days it wasn't a big deal. But when all "Defenders-of-the-Universe"-thing came along, I snapped. I started having panic attacks on missions. But all this pain I've experienced during them appeared to be only in my head, like... It wasn't, huh, normal pain because of injury, so none of you felt it. Old Blue tried to convince me that I should open my soul up, to tell everyone... But I didn't want to be the whiny boy, the weakest on the team. It felt selfish to ask for help while everyone had been going through much more tough stuff and doing perfectly fine. It turns out they weren't doing so well, huh... I kept blaming myself for not being fast enough to save everyone, not being brave enough to help, not being skilled enough to fly my lion properly. I tried to be like the rest of you, but I just couldn't catch up. I've been joking around, acting like fool, or loverboy, just to pretend that I matter, that I have my own thing. I guess you were right. At the back of my mind, where I dreaded to look, I imagined myself dying in a battle, sacrificing myself. It was rather pleasant, strangely and nastily pleasant, by the way. The funeral, beautiful, but weird flowers, some planet similar to Earth, and the rain, of course the rain. Wouldn't it have been great? Allura would have replaced me, and the team would have only grew stronger, and-

—Don't you ever say things like that, - Keith whispered. He was sitting there in complete awe, his eyes opening wider and wider as Lance spoke. Keith ran his hands through his hair in despair.

—What's wrong with everyone on this team? Why do everybody just keeps faking a smile while being hurt inside? Are you really telling me that sunken in grief, we would have been able do defeat Zarkon after your death? Are you telling me we've been trying to save the Universe while being almost suicidal, bitter, angry and untrusting? It's not surprising that we weren't really successful in fulfilling our mission, or were we? - his voice cracked at the end of a sentence, turning it into a scream.

After a few seconds, Keith continued calmier:

—Lance, you are not useless, you are the paladin of Voltron. Your lion wouldn't have chosen you if you weren't skilled enough. You are meant to do this. You believe I'm a better pilot, or Shiro, whatever. But we've been around when Blue chose you. Not me, or Shiro, or anybody else. In Garrison, they trained you to be a cargo pilot, but when I dropped out, they threw you in my place, didn't they? Except for it doesn't work like this. You should've been tutored properly before this.

—Yeah, but I'm still bad at piloting and being a paladin, not like the rest of you.

—You shouldn't be like us. You be you. You gotta discover your own abilities and work hard on improving them. And don't you ever try to sacrifice yourself. We need you.

Lance lifted his gaze, being glued to the floor for the previous ten minutes, and smiled weakly.

—Thank you, Keith.

He turned around and started the door at the end of a corridor, when Keith shouted:

—Wait!

—What?

—How did you managed to put me in prison? The last thing I remember is trying to slice your head off, - it was something he's been wondering for a long time now, honestly.

—It wasn't me. Shiro still hadn't left for his mission by the time you went savage, so he arrived just in time. You forgot about me and attacked him visiously instead. Shiro had to beat you up until you fell unconscious.

—He hadn't... left? Wait, but that means...

—Oh no, - Lance whispered, covering his mouth.

Keith bent over, gasping for air, wrapping his arms around his body, trying to keep it together, because his heart felt like shattered into million pieces.

Shiro betrayed him.


End file.
